Dear 2023,
I'm not going to miss you, but I will never forget you. You took it upon yourself to try to break me, but I'm still here, stronger than ever. And even though you have a place in the top three worst years of my life, I am grateful to you for the healthier understanding I have of myself. As I look back, I am so proud for how I came through it. Not that I didn't make some pretty outstanding mistakes, not that I didn't falter along the way, but in everything I sincerely sought God. I faced everything with a humble heart, with a genuine heart, with complete honesty. And while that caused massive waves, I persevered and those crashing waves carried me to a gentle shore.
Just one week into the brand new year you took Mattia. I will never forget the ripping loss that tore through my heart as I sat all alone in a crowded coffee shop. In utter disbelief I sat and just hurt. I could not believe that Timos would never get to meet his older brother. I could not believe that my quest to bring him here to live with us was abruptly at an end. I could not even begin to process that this person, who felt like my son, was simply gone.
It didn't help that not a single person understood the profound grief I was experiencing. Even Garen, though he tried, didn't fully comprehend how deeply this wounded me. For several weeks I was lost in my suffering, but you 2023 carried on around me - callously, relentlessly on. I still can't believe that Mattia isn't here. I still miss him. I still dream about what life would have been like with him here with us. And ironically the loss of Mattia shined a light on what family should actually mean.
During the freshness of this loss I experienced a loss of a whole different kind. Family who should have embraced me and helped me navigate this sorrow, instead used my suffering and heartache against me. Instead of loving me, they gathered moments of my torment and used them against me. I had such a hard time even understanding what was happening. I would never do that to another living, breathing, hurting person, let alone family. I suffered and I cried out in anguish to God. And to my utter delight, God sent Mother Mary to answer my cry. She sheltered me as I came to terms with my new, seemingly awful reality.
Trudging ever onward, 2023 wasn't done with me. One of my worst fears is having lies told about me and being unable to convince people of the truth. For the greater part of 2023 I got to live this. Piled on top of my despair over Mattia, I had this new fresh hell to conquer. And how sweet the reward when I vanquished that demon as well.
I slowly came to an unfamiliar place where a fresh freedom awaited me. The Holy Spirit guided me to a quiet place where it only matters what Jesus thinks of me. If others choose to think badly of me, so be it, it truly no longer matters to me. And when those old fears attempt to capture my attention, I release them and pray for the hurting individuals involved. What gracious relief from other people's thoughts, which are none of my business anyway!
And still 2023, you were trying to annihilate me. I will only touch on this briefly here because I intend to award an entire post to my amazing GG. But suffice it to say that this year was beyond difficult WITH this man and FOR this man. He had been terribly and very wrongly diagnosed and VERY mis-medicated for ADHD. And let me tell you that I have never had to live through anything as rough as that in my entire life. Neither has Garen, who has given me full permission to write about it (even without me asking him if I could). All I will say for now is that family who came over for a few hours every few weeks felt they had a better understanding of my marriage and what was going on than I did. They were so very wrong. So very, so stupidly wrong. And they made the situation so much harder than it needed to be, than it should have been. But that's okay because God reached down and gave us a miracle and we are well and truly on the path to a beautiful and joyful healing!
2023 sewed all these challenges together and threw them at the natural isolation of my new life to introduce me to a cavernous loneliness that left me breathless. But I kept going. I reached out to my Jesus. I asked St. Jude and Mother Mary to pray for me. I continued to cry out to God, content to wait, seeking the Sacrament of Reconciliation when my Faith faltered. I learned to Hope. I learned to be okay with ME. And my loneliness slowly turned into a beautiful adventure. So much so that I was totally okay going to Guadalajara by myself. I had fun exploring with the parents I got to meet. And I had fun exploring by myself. I learned that loneliness is truly a delusion in a made up place. It's not easy to escape. But the reward is great if one can manage it.
So good-bye 2023. Thank you so much for every single challenge you tried to destroy me with. What I have gained is more valuable than any treasure. And none of it would have come as easily if I hadn't had to endure you. I release you and all you did to me. I have such a Hope, such a Sweet Expectation for 2024. And I am going to RUN to her with my arms flung wide...
Gott ist tot.❤️