I'll never forget the Lent I decided to give up worry. Covid had just started and...yeah. Joke was on me. Global Pandemic and all. It was hard but that Lent changed my life.
This Lent I decided to try to Surrender everything to Jesus. When I began to get stuck in hurt and fear. When I began to panic because my oldest decided to tell family that I had lied about being on the spectrum. When my mother-in-law broke my heart (not to mention her son's) by creating a new narrative in which all the good I have ever sought to do was wiped away and replaced with invented evil intentions. Jesus I surrender this to you. Take care of everything.
My oldest and my mother-in-law have actually been a huge blessing this Lent. I have thanked God almost constantly for this unexpected and nonstop onslaught of difficult moments because it has truly been transformative on a soul level. This Lent hasn't just changed my life. It has changed my Spirit. It has changed my mind. It has changed my everything.
I mean - the pain and hurt are there. The embarrassment of people thinking I'm a liar is there. The need to get people to actually REMEMBER how things truly were - it's there too. These are things I battle, but I'm beginning to win the battles. One by one a victory over the self. An occasional battle lost, but an immediate recovery to begin again.
My prayer life has become a living, breathing thing that is now my close companion. I thought I prayed BEFORE. Silly me. It has become the most amazing habit to turn to God for everything.
Being autistic my brain holds onto things that are incomprehensible and ruminates on them for hours, even days. And being autistic - a LOT of things are incomprehensible. By forcing myself to surrender these thoughts and these situations to Jesus I am beginning to be okay with not understanding. By forcing myself to turn to God when ugliness is surrounding me I am beginning to realize it's better to be loved by God and that, even though the pain is immeasurable, it's okay to be hated so intensely by ones that I love so desperately.
One of the biggest Joys of this Lent is a greater understanding of the betrayal of my Jesus. His heart hurt too. What a blessing to have a small piece of that for myself. Jesus was called a liar. Jesus was betrayed and denied by those he called family. Nothing is happening to me that hasn't happened before to One so much greater than me. Who am I to be angry and bitter?
Please God help me to walk my path of suffering in righteousness so that one day I can stand before you knowing I did this one small thing well.
HAPPY LENT AND HAPPY, JOYOUS EASTER!!!
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