Chapter 6
Being only 19 when we married, we basically had to raise each other. Neither of us was ready to be married, but our Christianity grounded us. Once that was gone our marriage became a whirlwind. A kind of violent roller coaster ride with vertiginously high highs and lows so low we could feel the flames of hell.
Through it all Garen was always my favorite. My best friend. My partner in crime and all the other cheesy clichés that are so true for us. But without the foundation of Christ, we leaned on each other to provide a stability that as humans we are simply ill equipped to handle. When we would bend and break under the strain and the weight of one another, a terrible fight would blow up around us and consume us.
I am the louder of the two of us. I wish that weren’t true because it certainly isn’t flattering, but I did promise transparency. When I could not bend Garen to my will I would find myself wretched. And in my anguish, I would become inconsolable. And in my despair, I would fight for my life, my very existence. I became a wounded animal backed into a corner. I would yell and scream and say the most horrible words to ever come out of a wife’s mouth. A more perfect puppet for the devil I can’t imagine.
While Garen is the strong, silent type he didn’t have any better tools for conflict than I did. When he couldn’t bend me to HIS will things would get broken. Holes in drywall. Phones smashed. I could see him visibly grind his teeth to hold words in he didn’t want to say, and his fist would go through another door.
I don’t want to give the impression this was our everyday life. But it was regular enough. Terrible dysfunction. Who had we become? We barely recognized ourselves, we were so far off from who we wanted to be.
But the in-between-spaces of life were good. We would have these brutal fights and then we would remember ourselves. We would come back together stronger, more determined to be better. Sometimes we were so broken we would actually pray. Looking back, I can see God lending us a strength to get through this wilderness of our own making. Looking back, I can see God right there, patiently waiting, making sure we didn’t damage ourselves too badly while stuck in our own labyrinthine Paradise Lost.
It was in these first steps off the Direct Path that Garen and I found ourselves pregnant again. Being pregnant was difficult for me. I was plagued with a severe Hyperemesis Gravidarum that lasted until the moment of birth when I would quickly begin to feel better. With the words of the Rabbi and our own self justifications ringing in our ears we sought out the Abortion Guy again. We had been told I would probably need to spend the last few months of my pregnancy in the hospital and that there was a chance I wouldn’t survive. With two young children at home, we lied to ourselves and pretended it really was the noble choice.
What it WAS was an invisible pain. Never once did we believe it WASN’T a child. The knowledge that we had been judge, jury and executioner for half our children was an ever-present evil festering in our unrepentant hearts. I believe this was the sulfuric ember, burned into the center of us, that enabled us to spark such flash fires of cruelty on one another. I think we were ultimately trying to punish one another for not being strong enough to stand up and say “enough”.
There were such happy times too. One of our favorite pastimes was to road trip as a family to find adventure. And what adventures we had. We discovered abandoned towns and explored the depths of the empty schools, churches, homes. We stumbled across empty missile silos and long closed amusement parks. We searched for the Skunk Ape in Florida, swam with dolphins, stood atop pyramids looking out over the tops of the jungles of Mexico. Camped in the backyard and the living room. Stayed up all night reading Harry Potter and eating waffles.
And we laughed. That is what I remember the most. Despite the pain of the discord - we laughed. That is the best thing about my little family. We laugh and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company. More times than I can count, strangers have come up to us and told us that we brought them joy just watching us enjoying life with each other. Despite the ugliness, we love and respect one another and truly, truly have fun being a family. That has saved us.
And I believe it’s because we have always been honest. When the fires had been extinguished, Garen and I would sit the boys down and tell them we were so wrong and so sorry. We would discuss the issues and shine a light on them. Admit there was a better way, and we would continue to look for it. Our boys have seen us never give up, never walk away. That honesty provided a trust that held us through the ugliness and always brought us back to each other, to the laughter and the play of life.
But there was a big hole. Our family was not complete. I knew in my heart I was missing a son. I would scour adoption websites, hoping to recognize a face. But I never did. Garen and I talked off and on about adopting, but it was just never the right time. Of course, NOW we know that our Timos had simply not been born yet and God was preserving his space in our little family. But oh the ache…
Comments