This has been a year! So much nastiness, so much drama and it has been amazing to be away from that for a moment so we could catch our breath. And then came the whammy from behind. But this time we were far more prepared than we had been before.
I've written about some of the "highlights" of the last seven months. But trust me, so much more was happening and so relentlessly that I couldn't bring myself to write about any more than I already had.
In the calm, we were arming ourselves with knowledge and through prayer. Together, Garen and I have read some really good books about growing up with a narcissistic parent and in homes of abuse. It has broken my heart to watch my Garen come to realize how truly traumatic and abusive his childhood was.
As G's eyes opened he would say, "How can my mom be like this?" My only response, the only truth was, "I recognize this woman Garen. The last few years have been really good, but let yourself truly see how she was before, time after time." And I have been so in awe of his courage and his strength to tear through the expectations that had been placed on him since before his dad died, when he was just a little boy.
The expectation to do whatever he could to make one person happy, to live solely for one unhappy person and never, ever be true to himself. To look at those years in the light, to be honest about everything - I don't fully have the words for how amazing that is.
That isn't easy. That is so freaking heroic and I am so lucky that I get to be married to this man! I am so inspired by his journey of truth.
But I am still so broken-hearted to watch him face this pain. To see the look in Garen's eyes as he learns of another lie or faces another attempted attack towards him, his wife, his children. All because he dared to stand up and say, "We need to do better than this as a family."
But through this burning furnace of change and transformation has come a new peace. We didn't even know we had reached this new place until these evil little fires began to pop up once again.
My mother-in-law let it be known that she is waiting for an apology from me. This time I am not going to toe the party line. She told me she didn't love me. That I'm not family. She has tried to convince Garen to leave me because I'm "ruining his life". She has tried to blame Timos, my youngest, my sweet boy, for her deciding not to come to Zade's graduation party. I called her out on her terrible, unloving behavior and she didn't like it. So she burned it all to the ground, taking as many people with her as she could.
And we don't care. I mean - we miss her company and getting together with her. We love her and will be there if she needs anything at all. But we won't go backwards. Not anymore.
We have finally realized that there is nothing we can do, nothing we can say to get her to love us and treat us like her family. So let her say what she will. Let her tell any who will listen that I owe her an apology. Before God we know I don't and it just truly doesn't bother us to hear it.
And that is such a beautiful surprise. To be able to answer the phone and hear my m-i-l say in a cold and angry voice, "Do I have your permission to call and speak to Zade?" and to see it for what it is. A Covert Narcissist trying to draw us back in.
I remember being so confused at first. I told her, he was probably at work but that I knew he had his cell phone on him if she wanted to call him. She repeated her question, and I recognized this tactic from the books GG and I had read. Smiling to myself I told her yes and gently let her go. I was then able to go back to my day with peace in my heart.
It has been a long road to end up here. We're not perfect, Garen and I. But we know so much more now than we did when this all started seven months ago. We recognize the tactics of the Covert Narcissist. We recognize the army she has surrounded herself with. And even though there is terrible pain that some family has allowed her to tear us apart, there is a deep sadness, because we know that she will turn on them given enough time.
I pray for her every day. I also pray for the Grace to continue to forgive her. I won't allow bitterness to take root in me. Nor fear. Nor worry. Nor anger. Not anymore. Not again. Because we have prayed, "Jesus, I surrender this to you!" And then we let go and fell into our healing.
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