I felt the storm coming. Actually, I was probably DREADING that it was coming, fearing that it was coming, more than a preternatural feeling. Things had been too peaceful, too silent. My wonderful, amazing, strong husband had been using this prolonged period of silence to do some brave and incredible healing from the trauma of his formative
years.
That the silence was supposed to be a punishment, a very common tool of the Covert Narcissist, didn't bother us at all. This abusive form of gaslighting has been used one time too many to cause the self-doubt and the internal confusion that is supposed to shape our behavior into something more palatable to the Covert Narcissist in our lives.
But with Christmas quickly approaching, I knew something was most likely going to happen. This holiday season doesn't look like all the ones that came before. There are fewer presents under the tree. There have been no invitations extended to Garen's mom to come into my home and eat at my table. I can't even remember the last Christmas that Nelia didn't come early and leave late in the day. But Garen was adamant that this year she was not welcome as long as she was unwilling to even address saying to Garen that he needed to divorce me in order to be happy (over and over for months on end), as long as she maintained that she absolutely could not love me and that I was not her family, she was simply not invited. If she had tried even ONCE to talk to us we would have opened our home to her. But the last thing she said to Garen was, "I can't come around as long as SHE is in your life. I can't bear to watch her ruin the lives of you and your children." Garen simply took her at her word.
It was easier for me to ignore these things. I have known this woman for three decades and have been the brunt of her dishonesty and abuse more times than I care to recount. But Garen is no longer willing to subject his wife and kids to this dysfunction.
Don't misunderstand - if she needed us we would be there without a hesitation. But we are simply too tired to keep fighting with this woman. And besides, we were all supposed to get together for "2nd Christmas" at Keegan and Melisa's a week after Christmas. So we were going to just enjoy Christmas Day with the Middle and the Mini-est Millers. Bask in the peace and the joy and the pure enjoyment that comes from spending time with close family.
Today came THE CALL. Garen had to hear his own mother ask if she could get together with his youngest son for Christmas in order to exchange gifts. (Apparently Zade can come if he really wants to.) This is so vile, so perverse that I can barely even wrap my mind around the fact that this woman was serious. When Garen asked why she didn't want to spend Christmas with HIM, her only son, out came all the past grievances and accusations and excuses and justifications for why it is okay for her to attempt to divide my family starting with the 12-year-old, the youngest, the one who should be under her protection and not the pawn for her rage, the one being used to wound her own son.
Garen was so amazing. He stood his ground with love and kindness. He told her that we would be seeing her at 2nd Christmas and she said she had no idea what he was talking about. So he gave her the details, patiently answered every question she had. Her response was that she had to go shopping for presents then. Letting GG know she had no previous intention of even seeing him for Christmas. He had been totally and thoroughly thrown away.
Nelia has always been known for throwing people away. Her own daughter, her mother, her sister for many, many years. But Garen never believed she would do it to him. I knew she would. Hoped she wouldn't, but was pretty sure she would the second Garen deviated from her powerful but twisted will. I so badly wish Garen had been the one that was right.
It then got back to us that Nelia misrepresented (flat out lied about) the phone call. She is going out of her way to make her son look bad . To me, that is her telling everyone that she doesn't love him at all. Love is an action. So what does it show to the world that she is willing to actively get other's to think badly of her son?
So what are we doing to preserve the peace and the joy of Christmas in the face of this latest attack? The first thing we did was to acknowledge that everything she said was very predictable, very on script for her. No surprises. So we dismissed all the rancid conversation. We did not allow it to hit it's mark. We did not pick up the guilt that was thrown at us. It sounds easy, but it's a difficult choice. One that takes a lot of support from one another.
We reminded each other that we are worth being loved, that we love each other more than anything, and that we will never abandon our family, our love. We renewed our commitment to having a healthy relationship with each other and with those family members committed to the same thing. We reminded ourselves that we have pledged to being honest and genuine.
When the pain rises up, which it will because we're not heartless people, we will hug each other, comfort each other. We will try to fill the void for the Mini-est, who truly deserves to have a Grandma, but doesn't. We will be honest with the Middle, who is an adult now and has seen firsthand all of this play out. We will be patient with those who, for whatever reason, have decided to lay the blame at my feet in an effort to do Nelia's bidding.
One thing we have learned NOT to do is to ask "why". There is no reason for Nelia to do these things. There is no reason for family, who should know us better than this, to believe every single one of Nelia's lies. It is human nature to try to make sense of the life before us. But when a Covert Narcissist lives front and center in that life - there will be so much that simply will never make sense. So we have to protect our moments of Peace. Guard our moments of Joy. Fiercely love the family that are the true victims in all of this ugliness.
But the number one most important thing we do is shine the light of FULL TRANSPARENCY on every interaction. We don't have a single conversation with Nelia, or those close with her, that Garen and I don't share with each other, (and now with Z since he's an adult). When the light of the truth is shining brightly it becomes impossible for the Narcissist, Covert or not, to come in and divide. The commitment to full transparency will drive the Covert Narcissist absolutely into a blinding rage, because they need the dark to do their wickedness, but that is of no consequence truly.
Garen and I are going to have the most amazing Christmas with Timos and Z. We will laugh lots, probably argue a little, eat too much, play games, open the gifts we enjoyed shopping for and/or making for each other. And the most beautiful part of the day will be that we will be surrounded by people that we trust, people that we know are as loyal to us as we are to them. And that is no small thing!
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