Loyalty Scorned

WARNING: This post will seem to be written-word vomit. In reality it is a small sampling of the minefield that has been my life these past few months. I'm truly not trying to list out grievances that I am holding on to, but rather giving some space to what has been my reality lately. I love everyone I write about so very much.

One of the more difficult parts of being neurodivergent is that I tend to be a very, VERY black and white thinker. The difficulty lies in the fact that I live in a world where everyone else thinks in a million shades of gray. And I get lost. A lot.

To me love, loyalty, being sorry - these are actions. I understand that the actions are born from emotion and feeling. Because I understand that - I also understand that if the action is missing then the feeling was never there and everything said was a lie. See what I mean? Black and white.

This is so simple. It's the easiest thing in the world. To me. But swirling around me are empty words. Empty of any action. Empty of - well... Just empty.

I do get that nuance is important. I just never see it, and I seem incapable of replicating it. I think this is at the core of some pretty major issues in our family right now. The tragedy is that the more I try to explain WHY I'm making what other's think are mistakes, the more I am shut down and avoided.

There are some deep divides in my family. And for some reason my oldest son and my mother-in-law have decided that these are entirely my fault. I have taken their words to heart. I have taken them out in the dark hours of the morning. I have prayed on them almost obsessively. And I just don't see why I am being thrown away. And I don't see why I am not allowed to explain.

In these last heavy weeks I have been told repeatedly that I am not "over my past" and that I have been using my past to break relationships and never move on. This is so crazy to me. I am so proud of my past. Proud of the things I have overcome. And I'm so THANKFUL for every single thing I have gone through. Why can't those that should be closest to me see that?

My mother refused to have a relationship with me because I would not throw away my step-dad when she was done with him. She changed her phone number and her address and told my youngest brother and sister not to give them to me. When I asked for the new ones, their response was, "ask mom".

She has been in the same room as my youngest son and refused to say one word to him. Twice. At my sister's wedding tiny Timos climbed in Z's lap and asked him, "Which one is my grandma Zade?" Zade pointed her out and T asked if she would come over and meet him. Z's response? A heartbreaking, "No sweetheart. She never does."

Now my mother has told my oldest son that she wants a relationship with me. And on some level I think he is blaming me that she has not been in his life. I'm not sure why K can't see that if she was being honest she would call me and attempt to make amends. If she were to call me today I would drop everything and meet. I would never hold a single thing against her. I would never even bring up the past because the future is so much brighter when the past is left where it lies.

My aunt was always one of my favorite human beings on the planet. She was always so irreverent and so fun loving and I adored her. I was drawn to her sunshine. When her son died I took my boys out of school and went to be with her. I did everything she asked and when we went home something happened and she never spoke to me again. I don't know what happened. One day she was just gone from my life.

Several weeks ago she agreed to meet us for dinner when we drove through S on our way to Memphis for soccer. And then out of the blue she called Garen the night before we were going to meet and said she wanted nothing to do with us. She refused to see me. She refused to meet my son. And I was heartbroken. I sobbed in a heap on the floor.

K said it was probably because of how awful and nasty I was in the past. But...I thought he was upset I couldn't get over the past? But now that is an okay excuse for others in the family to exclude me and treat me so badly. A nuance I can't even begin to see.

Just like the text I got from my niece. Because I didn't invite her to Timos' Confirmation party she told me she was done with me. But she told Garen she had Covid and couldn't have come anyway. I didn't feel the need to invite her. We aren't that close. She doesn't invite us to their close family celebrations. I don't get upset about it. It's her party - she can do what she wants. But why throw me away? And why is K upset with ME for her bad behavior? She couldn't have come - she just decided to pick a fight. And somehow I was left to pay the price.

Loyalty scorned. I feel this deep and abiding loyalty for family. It doesn't mean I always agree with them. But it does mean I will always be there for them. Always fight for them. Always love them. And for some reason that isn't being returned.

My mother-in-law just told Garen that her sister and her sister's family wanted nothing to do with me. They refused to tell her why but said it was something terrible. I told her what it was. Garen's cousin yelled at me and told me Nelia hated me. So I told him he should hear how his mother talks about his wife. His aunt read a Facebook post that she thought was about her and has forever hated me since that day. I have told her repeatedly that it was about my own mother, not about her, but I guess narcissism runs deep in some people and she just couldn't unsee herself in the situation. This was a spat about a decade ago. I have invited them to so many important family events to try and smooth over this ridiculousness but for some reason it's my fault that they don't want to come.

We even invited them to Timos' Confirmation party because I knew that would be important to my m-i-l. I made Garen call his aunt. He looked at me and said, "I love how naïve and trusting you are, but I hate how much I know this is going to end up hurting you." And sure enough Garen's aunt was so nasty to him on the phone when he called to extend the olive branch. My mother in law called her sister and then told MY family that her sister was just busy. But she told Garen in private that her sister said she didn't want to come because she would never be in the same room as me and she certainly wasn't going to come to something she didn't even care about. I don't understand her deception. She can just tell everyone that her sister hates me. It won't make me hate her back. It won't even make me stop trying to make things better. And I don't think it will make my kids avoid her. But my mother-in-law's less than truthful words ripped the divide in our family a little wider.

K and his amazing wife have been making the rounds with family that have spurned us. That is fine. I actually get it. What DOES cause me a great deal of consternation is that K has decided that I am the common denominator and these divisions must be my fault. I had a part, sure. But 100 percent all me? No. And I am the ONLY one trying to mend fences and restore harmony. K and my mother-in-law know I am the only one extending invitations. They know everyone else has decided to reject those invitations and even go so far as to say they will have a relationship with everyone else in the family EXCEPT me. But K and my mother-in-law have decided I am acceptable cannon fodder.

In fact it was let slip that they have decided to have some distance from me. That they want to have one on one time with Garen, Z and T but not me. Not me.

I look out at this situation and I don't understand why loyalty is extended everywhere but to me. Garen says it's because I'm so honest that some people just don't like me. That I hold up a mirror and those that can't stand to see themselves try to break the mirror and run away. I secretly think it's because there is something so deeply unlikable about me. And it hurts my feelings. But G says it's the mirror thing. He says he knows because he's tried to break the mirror so many times over the years. But G is still here. Every day. Loyal.

But one thing I could never, ever do? Reject my family. Hold on to hurt. Wrap this ugly past around me to keep me company. My black and white thinking keeps me confused as to why everyone is acting this way. If people are willing to fight they should be willing to make up. My black and white thinking also helps me to shrug and keep moving forward. No matter how many tears I shed about this whole ugly situation it is all being stored in someone else's ugly heart. Not mine. I wish desperately that everyone would listen to me. If they just stopped to listen then surely they would see I'm not the horrible b-word or c-word that I have been called so very many times.

I have a guess that perhaps no-one is listening because they don't want to let things go. I do not understand the concept of reliving pain over and over. I DO understand that our past shapes us and can help explain behaviors and attitudes. So much ugliness and all I want is peace. Everyone seems to be saying that they want peace as well but they won't allow it to come. And that will never make sense to me.