It's been a hot second since I have been able to write. It's honestly been a little hard to be cut off from it. For my birthday GG got me a tablet with wifi and Zade got me a portable lap desk - pink of course! They both wanted me to be able to Blog on the Go.
Hearing them both tell me I needed to start writing again meant the world to me. And having this new little portable office is beyond amazIng. So here I am, sitting in the 3rd row of my Telluride, with the 2nd row seat folded flat in front of me. I can hear the coach's whistle and the shouts of the boys, the field lights are creating a glow in the car, but the woods beyond are dark. And for the first time in months I feel content and cozy instead of isolated and a little claustrophobic.
Even if no one is reading this, it's out there. I have put a little piece of myself out into the world. In some small way I am seen. And that is a relief so big that it surprises me a little. Being on the Spectrum helps me to be uniquely suited to this semi-nomadic life. I need quiet and I need solitude. But this is difficult even for me.
Sometimes I go five or six days speaking to no one but Garen and Timos. Maybe texting Zade. I haven't stepped foot in a grocery store since August so I don't even have that meaningless chatter with strangers that used to grate on me but that now I miss. All my groceries are bought through various apps and Garen picks them up on his way home from work. It's all so strange now. And empty.
My consolation is that it isn't empty for Timos. He is creating this life that is so big and I feel so blessed that I get to be his Mom and that I get to drive six hours a day and sit and wait for three hours while he trains and makes connections. I feel called to do this. I truly do and I know I will miss it when the memory has blurred enough for us to laugh and joke about the difficulty.
I have to actively stop myself from thinking about those ending days because I get so sad. If this goes the way Timos is working so hard for then this is truly the beginning of the end. He will skip over middle school stuff and high school stuff, because HIS stuff is so different than most other kids.
This child of mine has only ever wanted soccer. He never really played with toys, but he juggled and dribbled and has even slept hugging a soccer ball like a favorite stuffed animal.
So I sit in my vehicle. I eat my lukewarm dinners alone. I don't allow Timos to be on his phone while he eats HIS dinner on the drive home, because even though it doesn't look like a traditional family dinner - it's STILL family dinner. We talk. We laugh. We clean up. And then T gets on his phone and laughs and talks with his friends. And even though we are inches apart in the car, I'm alone again. And that's okay. This helps somehow. These words existing in a place that is not here is comforting. Besides - I'm strong. I can do this until it's time to do something else.
This felt good. It felt familiar, which is no small gift.
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